


Wishing for the Best

by OtakutheDearest



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bottom Nanase Haruka, Depression, Drunk Nanase Haruka, Fluff and Angst, Free! - Freeform, Free! Eternal Suffering, Kawaii, M/M, Top Tachibana Makoto, Tumblr: makoharufestival, makoharu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-05-03 18:30:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5302280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OtakutheDearest/pseuds/OtakutheDearest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every year, Haru wishes for the same thing on his birthday. He wishes for the courage to tell the boy he loves that he loves him, and as things come up in his life, including the love of his life getting a boyfriend, he loses hope. What will is take for Haruka to find happiness once and for all?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Birthday Wishes

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy, and don't forget to comment and give kudos ;U

Chapter 1- Birthday Wishes

“What did you wish for?”

“None of your business.” I replied, looking at the now laughing group that surrounded me.

“What kind of answer is that?! Spill, Haru!” a hot-headed Rin whined, nudging my shoulder from his spot next to me.

My name is Haruka Nanase, and today is my twentieth birthday. All of my friends from university surround me, whom I’ve known for years, and I’d like to say that I was completely overjoyed.

Just thinking about the wish I had just made, I felt a blush creep onto my face. Nagisa and Rei had taken the cake from in front of me, leaving a curious group of people looking to me for my answer.

“If I tell you, it won’t come true.” I tried to sound like I was joking, if that is even possible for me, but I truly meant it. If anything, this wish I had made today was one I made every year.

“I guess so… So everyone grab a drink and a piece of cake, and then we’ll do presents!” Rin ordered, a wide toothy grin on his face. Everyone made their way to the kitchen, aside from me as I sat on the floor, thinking.

It really was a nice sentiment throwing me a party, but I couldn’t help but contemplate over a few issues.

My first issue was the worry of getting too drunk tonight and having a hangover tomorrow when I go to school. It has been happening a little too often lately, and I don’t feel like dealing with a headache tomorrow.

My second issue… is a little more complicated than that.

“Happy birthday, Haru.” a sweet voice rang, as a hand squeezed my shoulder gently. Makoto sat down next to me, with a beer in one hand, and a slice of cake in the other.

His smile was so soft and genuine, anyone would melt at even a small glimpse. He was truly an angel among men, and one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

“Yeah, congratulations!” a much louder and obnoxious voice called out from Makoto’s side, which was my third and possibly biggest issue. Kisumi happily spooned the cake into his mouth, making me cringe just watching him.

Makoto and Kisumi have been dating for a few months now, and I couldn’t be more bitter about the whole situation. Especially when it concerns Kisumi.

I’m in love with Makoto. I have been since we were children, and I can’t help but feel every atom in my body fluctuate every time they laugh and smile with each other. Don’t even get me started on when they kiss; it’s truly vomit inducing. It’s not like they disgust me or anything, it just hurts too much to see the one I love with someone else.

“Kisumi, you have frosting on your nose!” Makoto giggled, leaning over playfully to lick off the sweet dessert.

Kisumi laughed in reply, leaning over to place a soft kiss to Makoto’s cheek.

I hate this.

“Haru, are you okay?” Nagisa asked, sitting down across from me at the small coffee table.

A blush arose as I was caught glaring.

“Wh- no. I’m alright.” I assured, trying my best to pull a straight face.

He obviously didn’t buy it, and leaned over to whisper in Rei’s ear. Of course it probably would’ve been obvious to anyone who saw me, but it still is embarrassing to get caught.

Rin finally came back from the kitchen, dragging his boyfriend, Souske, back to the living room. It sucks being a third wheel at your own birthday party, huh?

“Okay! Present time, losers! Haru will like mine the best!” Rin boasted, smirking at Nagisa and Rei as they whispered back and fourth.

“YOU'RE ON, SHARK WEEK!” Nagisa challenged, running over to the present table.

As the two bickered, grabbing all the presents they could manage to carry, I felt a small smile break my usual stoic face.

As long as I don’t have to look to my left, I’ll have a wonderful birthday…

“Mine first!” Nagisa smiled, dropping a huge bag onto my lap.

I opened the present with as much enthusiasm as I could gather, and was happily surprised.

It was a photo album, decked out with pictures from our high school years. As I looked through the album, I couldn’t help but smile. This was so precious.

“Rei put most of it together, but it was all my idea!” Nagisa bragged, sticking his tongue out playfully to Rin’s side of the table.

As I turned the page, my heart stopped.

A picture of Makoto and I hugging from our graduation ceremony stared back at me. I looked so happy… and Makoto’s eyes looked at me and only me…

A tear fell onto the page, and I felt my self-control slip away completely. As all my friends sat and watched, seam by seam I began to fall apart.

“Haru?” a hushed voice called from the group that surrounded me.

A small sob escaped my throat, and I quickly clapped a hand over my mouth. Shit. Shit, shit, SHIT!

“Awwww, Haru!! You are so cute!” Nagisa laughed, tears forming in his own eyes.

I felt all eyes on me, and I just wanted to die. Especially the pair of burning green eyes on the other side of me, who I refused to look at.

“Haru?” the same sweet voice called again.

I can’t look. I don’t want him to see. I don’t want to see the person by his side. I just want this night to end!

A gentle tug on my shirt ended any and all thoughts that I had in my head.

Finally giving in, I gazed at his worried face. He had tears rolling down his cheeks as well, and I caught him looking at the picture that laid on my lap.

He tenderly pulled me to him, a desperate laugh escaping his throat.

“Oh, Haru! Happy birthday!” he laughed, squeezing me closer.

That’s it. I melted into his touch, and my hands greedily grabbed fistfuls of fabric, feeling the warmth of his body through his clothes. If I could, I’d most likely be a pool of nothing but mush right now.

After what seemed like a few short seconds, he pulled away, wiping a stray tear from my face.

“You’re so sweet Haru. I miss our high school days together too.” he smiled, pinching my cheek in his hand. “Now stop it, you have the whole room bawling.” he joked, wiping what was left of his tears away.

As I looked at my friends, I saw tears and red eyes looking back at me, yet smiles adorned almost every person in that room. Almost.

The only people who were stone cold were Souske, as per norm, and Kisumi. He looked at me with an almost glazed over expression. That’s odd… he usually has a stupid grin on his face.

“Okay, my turn…” Rin sniffled, scotching in closer next to me and laying his head on my shoulder as I opened his gift.

Of course it had to do with swimming, but I wasn’t expecting this.

“My Iwatobi jacket? Where did you get this?” I muttered, completely shocked.

“You said it was lost in the move from your house, right? You were so upset over it, so I went back to Iwatobi and had another one made.” he chuckled, hugging me from the side.

I hugged him back, even more tears falling from my swollen eyes. I pulled away so I could put the jacket on, and felt like we were all back in high school.

“You look good, Haruka-senpai.” Rei smiled, dabbing at his eyes. We are all a mess.

“See what you do to us, Haru? You are too precious!!” Nagisa cried, grabbing my hands in his.

“We love you! Right, guys?” with a collective yes, I couldn’t help but to feel better instantly.

“Okay, last gift!” Nagisa called, handing me a gigantic bag.

“Oh, this ones from me.” Makoto smiled, standing up to help me unwrap the gift.

A huge black and white orca whale stuffed animal smiled happily back at me, which was roughly the size of a child. It was so soft, and warm… just like Makoto.

“Thank you. I’ll cherish it forever.” I whispered, standing up to hug him.

“Of course! I made it with love!” Makoto laughed, holding me tightly in his typical bear hug.

“You made this?” I whispered, furiously blushing as I pulled away from his embrace.

“Yes! Well, I should thank Kisumi. He helped me with the stitching!” he giggled, sitting back down beside his lover.

I felt my smile drop a bit at the mention of his name, but didn’t want to be caught yet again.

Almost reluctantly, I thanked Kisumi as well.

“Thank you… both.” I smiled, feeling my throat burn with distaste. Everything about this guy just really pisses me off.

“No problem!” Kisumi winked, wrapping his arms around Makoto's.

I looked away almost immediately, looking anywhere but at those two.

“Alright! Enough crying, let’s party!” Nagisa called, practically running to the stereo and turning on some music to dance to.

The whole room livened up a bit, and my friends all pulled me into the middle, dancing around me.

After a few songs, a slow song came on, and I retreated to the safety of the couch. I watched as the three couples swayed back and forth with the music.

Of course some of them, like Nagisa and Rin were totally wasted, and as I looked over to Makoto and Kisumi, the pit of my stomach was set aflame. They were in the middle of my living room, making out like there was no tomorrow. They weren’t even dancing anymore, just melding with one another. I felt like someone was just playing a sick joke on me, making me intentionally depressed as I watched this display continue.

I got up and walked to the kitchen, pouring myself a drink and trying to forget what I just witnessed.

Of course I can never say anything. I just watch like an idiot and cry to myself. I hate this.

_What did you wish for, Haru?_

Every year it’s the same wish, isn’t it?

_I wish I could have enough courage to tell him…_

Soon, the party ended. Everyone left, one couple after another.

“Haru! Haru! Oh my lovely, Haru! You and I need to h-have a chat! TOMORROW! Sorry, did I just yell? I didn’t mean i-it. Shit, what was I saying?” Nagisa swayed for a second, and then looked back at me with full force. “Have breakfast with me tomorrow!”

“Sure, Nagisa. See you tomorrow.” I smiled, hugging him tightly as he almost fell over.

Rei came up behind him and held him upright.

“What he wanted to tell you is that we need to talk. It’s important so don’t flake. Our dorm room, tomorrow morning?” Rei asked, walking passed me to the front door.

“Got it. See you tomorrow, Rei.” I agreed, walking him to the door.

“See you. Happy birthday, Haruka-senpai.” he smiled, dragging his drunk boyfriend through the hallway.

“Haru! Keep the door open please!” Makoto called from the living room. He had just finished putting his shoes on, and his wasted lover's, as he slung his arm around the smaller boy.

“I had a lot of fun! It was a good cake too, good job Haru.” he said, standing there with a smile that could blind me with just a glance.

“Thanks…” I smiled, looking down to the floor boards. This is kind of awkward… Ever since Kisumi came into the picture, I can’t recall one good conversation between us.

“Hey, are you okay? You seemed down all night.” he called, coaxing me into looking him in the eyes.

“No… I mean… it’s… It’s complicated.” I sighed, brushing my hair back.

Kisumi giggled, and looked up at me.

“Juss say what yer gonna say! We all know stone face.” he snickered, letting his head rest on Makoto’s shoulder.

“Kisumi! That’s not very nice!” Makoto scolded, making his way out the door.

“You and I need to hang out soon! Are you free this week?” he asked, a hopeful smile on his face.

“I’m free tomorrow…” I answered, looking deeply into his green eyes, searching for an answer to my heartbreak.

“Tomorrow it is than! See you, Haru.”

“See you.” I waved, watching the two walk drunkenly down the hallway of the dorm.

As soon as they were out of sight, I made my way into the kitchen, pouring myself a few shots of whiskey. I needed a drink, desperately.

That night, I laid in my bed. I wore my jacket, and squeezed the photo album to my chest. I rested my head on my whale plush, and just thought to myself.

_Why don’t my wishes ever come true, Makoto? Why are you so far away?_

_Because you need to want this. You need to say whats on your mind, otherwise people will never know what your thinking!_

_I just want to tell him… how much I adore him._

_I love you Makoto._


	2. Be Careful What You Wish For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oops, pessimistic Haru is pessimistic *cries for a million years*

Chapter 2: Be Careful What You Wish For

I woke up that morning, holding my throbbing head in my hands. The alarm clock beeped incessantly, begging to be silenced. Finally, a heavy hand slammed the button, allowing me to feel a slight relief from my headache. 

Silence took over the space in my room. As I stumbled to a standing position, my bare foot kicked something hard. The photo album from last night’s party sat open on the floor to the page I secretly wanted to be a reality. Makoto looked up at me, smiling like an idiot. Reluctantly, I picked up the book and laid it on my bed. My eyes ached from trying to produce tears that were all dried up from last nights shit show of a party. Unwillingly, I forced myself to go over to the bathroom, and fix the mess I made last night.

I looked in the mirror, and could have probably cracked the glass from how horrible I looked. My God, the bags under my eyes had bags, and my hair looked like I had some crazy sex last night. I wish. 

After I tamed my hair and washed my face, I realized I had to start getting ready so I could keep my promise to Nagisa. It had to have been important, because only something of high importance would make Nagisa remember to say something when he’s that drunk. As I pulled on some pants, I started to get nervous. 

Soon, I was ready to go, holding my backpack and keys in one hand, and my new jacket in the other. As I locked my doors, I thought to myself, how lucky was I to get a single dorm room this year? I’m in my second year of university, so getting a single dorm here was pretty lucky considering. 

As I entered the hallway of Nagisa’s and Rei’s floor, the sun shone through the massive glass windows that lined the walls of the dorms. All of Tokyo looked back at me, wanting me to think of nothing but the beauty that surrounded the view. However, I was never in a good enough mood to just stop and look at the scenery. Squinting, I held my hand up to shield my eyes from the yellow monstrosity that rose slowly over the world. 

“Oi, Haru!” a voice called out, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Hey, Rin.” I greeted, meeting the red head half way. Rin shared a dorm with a friend of his, Nitori, on this floor close to Nagisa’s room. He jogged up to me, and grinned cheekily, until he got a good look at me.

“Wow… You kind of look like shit. I don’t remember you drinking last night.” he chuckled, clapping a hand on my shoulder. 

“I drank as soon as you left.” I unconsciously admitted, looking away in embarrassment as soon as I realized I said it out loud. 

“What, really? Hey, I noticed it last night, but you seem off. You cried an awful lot, and that’s saying something coming from me! Are you okay?” Rin chuckled awkwardly. Although Rin is an amazing friend, and person, he is not the smartest when it comes to dealing with others. Especially when it comes to me. 

“I’m fine.” I lied expertly, earning a shrug and a cool wink. 

“Hey, don’t let me see you crying like that again, or else I’ll have to bully you for real.” he laughed, walking away.

“See you tomorrow for class.” he waved, saying his good bye. 

Although he didn’t know how to handle me, he knew exactly when to drop a conversation he knew was too complicated. If only he had a clue what was going on in my head right now.

In a matter of minutes, I was standing in front of the door, which seemed to loom over me in intimidation. The way Rei spoke last night about it being a serious conversation, suddenly made me shiver with anxiety. He’s probably gonna tell me things I definitely don’t want to hear… Maybe it’s not too late to-

“Ah, I thought I heard foot steps! Come on in, Haru-chan!” Nagisa burst through the door, smiling with a glint of evil intent in his eyes. I took a deep breath, and slowly followed him back into his dorm. I guess it’s too late to make a run for it. Soon, I was in the heart of the lion’s den. 

“Want some orange juice? Coffee?” Nagisa asked, walking into the kitchen and gesturing for me to take a seat in the living area.

“Whiskey, thanks.” I replied, trying to make fun before the storm. Maybe I can delay him enough so he won’t have time to talk to me. 

“Haru-chan!” Nagisa laughed, poking his head out from the kitchen. “Seriously?” he laughed, waiting for a serious answer.

“Coffee, I guess.” I relented. Soon enough, the blonde reappeared, holding two mugs of steaming black liquid gold. 

After a few sips, Nagisa began. “So… how are you feeling today?” Nagisa asked, curling up on the couch crossed from me, fiddling with the mug in his hand.

“Fine.” I lied for the second time that morning. I’m really getting sick of people asking me this. I’m in a shitty situation, the boy I’m desperately in love with is in love with the devil in disguise as a cuter boy, and I constantly drink myself into a coma. I’m fucking peachy.

“You know, it’s cute how you think you can pretend you’re plain old cold hearted Haru, but after last night there’s no way in hell you’re fooling anyone. Especially me.” Nagisa smiled. This smile wasn’t his normal cheeky grin, or even a joking happy smile. It was a calculating smirk if anything. 

I’ve been caught. Defeated, I just looked at the distorted face that was reflected back in my coffee mug. 

“Yup. Thought so.” Nagisa chuckled lightly. He set his own cup on the coffee table in between us, and leaned forward. His chin rested on his crossed hands, and he flashed a genuine warm smile as he did so. 

“Haru. Tell me what’s going on.” Nagisa nearly whispered, breaking the silence I treasured so much. Slowly, I looked up at him, and spilled my biggest secret as if it had never even mattered to me in the first place.

Calmly, I began, “I’m in love with Makoto, and I can’t stand seeing him with someone else, especially Kisumi.” Without missing a beat, I continued to rant, growing angrier and more heart broken as I continued. “Last night was a train wreck, so I drank until I passed out. My mind is just…” It took about two sentences for me to finally be able to not even utter a word. My throat closed up, and my vision blurred as I clenched my mug tighter. 

“Haru…” Nagisa whispered, shock coating his voice. “You… you finally admitted it.” Nagisa looked as if he had discovered the worlds greatest treasure. 

“What?” I asked, feeling a crack in my tired voice. 

“You finally said you were in love with Mako-chan! Finally! How long have you felt this way, or should I say, how long have you known that you’ve loved him?” Nagisa asked, sitting on the edge of his seat. 

At that moment, Rei walked out of their shared bedroom, topless and wearing nothing but pajama bottoms. He yawned, combing a hand through his disheveled hair. “G’morning Nagi-“ he paused as soon as he set eyes on me. Rei looked embarrassed as he rushed over to Nagisa’s side and whispered something along the lines of, ‘You should have woken me up! I wanted to be here too!’ 

Lightly, Nagisa kissed Rei’s cheek, which caused my heart to clench tightly.

“Sorry for intruding, I should get going.” I muttered, standing up from my seat.

“Haru, if you don’t sit your precious ass back down, I swear to God I’ll tell everyone you still pee the bed! Don’t give me that look! We need to talk, and you are not getting away that easily! SIT!” Nagisa nearly snarled, making me slowly descend back down into my seat. What a commanding little shit.

“Nagisa! You can’t just talk to Haru like that!” Rei defended, looking at his lover with disappointment. 

“Rei! Haru needs our help, and I can’t let him get away! His heart is hurting really bad!” Nagisa pouted, trying to get Rei to forgive him. 

“Haruka-senpai, are you hurt? What’s going on?” Rei asked, worry pulling his once smiling face into a deep frown.

“He… admitted his feelings for Makoto.” Nagisa explained. 

“Oh? … OH! Oh my goodness, it’s about time! Good for you Haruka!” Rei congratulated, smiling merrily. 

“Rei… he’s still unhappy.” Nagisa said awkwardly, elbowing Rei lightly in the ribs.

Rei only mouthed an ‘o’ and bowed his head in apologies. 

“So how long have you known?” Nagisa repeated his question from earlier, putting me back on the spot. 

Reluctantly, I answered, “Since I met him. I’ve always known.” I shifted uncomfortably in my hair, waiting for another outburst.

“Why haven’t you said anything?” Nagisa asked, shock reaching Rei’s face as well as his.

“How am I supposed to just tell my best friend, who is another guy, ‘Hey, I love you! Dump your boyfriend and love me!’ It just doesn't work that way.” I snapped, huffing angrily. I looked away from both of there faces, embarrassed and irritated beyond belief.

“Haru, have some confidence.” Nagisa whispered, getting up from his seat and walking to my side. 

“I know you aren’t the only one in this. I happen to think Makoto likes you just as much as you like him.” Nagisa spoke, confidence dripping from his voice.

“Don’t just lie to me like that. It doesn’t make me feel any better.” I fumed, incredulously glaring at him. 

“Haru, why would I lie about something like this?” Nagisa shouted, starting to get on my level of irritation.

The air was now calmer as I processed his words, but the silence was growing denser as I continued to think about exactly what he was trying to say.

“How do you know?” I asked quietly, afraid to speak louder and seem vulnerable, or worse, optimistic.

“The way he has always looked at you. He has never looked at anyone the way he looks at you.” Nagisa said cautiously, afraid I’d yell again. 

“But…” I felt so flustered as I thought about the meaning behind those words. 

“No buts! It’s true, and I think even you know it deep down.” Nagisa concluded, walking back over to his seat beside Rei. 

“It’s true.” Rei softly agreed, smiling warmly at me.

I shut down for a minute, trying to recall every single encounter we had since I had met him. His beautiful smile, his soft eyes that made you feel important and loved. Even the shine that appeared when he said hello, and made you happy by just being in his presence. 

Maybe the reason I never noticed him looking at me, was because I was too busy looking at him. 

“Even if he did, and I mean if, it’s too late.” I relented, immediately throwing all hope out the window, where it belonged. It’s impossible. Why ruin a perfect misery streak now?

“Why? Why are you such a pessimist? What are you so afraid of?” Nagisa shouted, standing up and marching over to get in my face. His body shook with anger, and was determined to do anything in order to fix me. But I’m far too warn out to be repaired.

“He is happy.” I whispered, than looked into his anger fueled stare and told him exactly the reason why. “Kisumi is his boyfriend; how could I stoop to a level that low as to where I would throw my unwanted feelings at him?” That is probably the first time I had ever yelled at Nagisa like that in my entire life. As soon as I uttered those words, I felt a few tears roll down my face. Apparently I had a few left behind the dams somewhere.

“Haru…” he uttered, his face crumpled from one of pure entitled anger, to one of pure pity and sadness. Rei just stared at me, mouth agape and eyes on the verge of bulging out of his head from staring so incredulously at me.

“I’m sorry… I just don’t want to lose him.” I finally admitted, wiping furiously at my eyes. 

“Oh my God… But… I don't want to see you suffer like this.” Nagisa sniffled, falling to the floor in front of me. 

“I have to. There is no other way.” I concluded, trying to sound like I was going to be alright. My secret is out. My walls have been breached, and all it took was a few questions from a few good friends.

Fear made my heart beat furiously, as I continued to falter and stumble for an excuse. Anything to make Nagisa and Rei believe I was going to get through this. But the love that I feel for this boy, and the undeniable heart break I am willing to go through to keep a good friendship, is almost too much for me.

“You can’t give up.” A weeping Rei cried, dropping to his boyfriends side and grabbing a hold of my hand. “You, more than anyone I can think of, deserve to be happy. Kisumi doesn’t deserve the love of someone like Makoto. Not after what I’ve seen.” Rei seethed, squeezing my hand and looking directly at me.

“Tell him.” Nagisa whined, urging his boyfriend to speak up.

“What are you two talking about?” I asked, trying to take a deep breathe.

“I’ve known Kisumi longer than anyone of our friends. I know who he really is, and what his true mode of operation is.” Rei stated, still looking me in the eye.

“He is manipulative, and would do literally anything to get what he wants. One specific incident I can remember was when we were in middle school. He went through his crushes locker, threw away every single Valentine’s Day note and gift that was in there, and put his own in. I even know what he’s done to Makoto recently. I heard him…” Rei admitted, looking over to Nagisa almost sheepishly.

“What did he do?” I asked, rage instantly fueling my interest. 

“I think I know why he’s dating Makoto.” he started, and then took a deep breath. “He knows you like Makoto… and so he started to date him, because he hates you. I just know it.” Rei confirmed, anger crossing his own features. 

“You don’t think…” Nagisa looked deep in thought as he uttered his realization. 

Honestly, in a weird way it doesn't surprise me. If I would’ve known earlier, maybe then I could have. I should but…

“It’s too late.” I muttered again. Finally, I stood up from my seat, and made my way to the door.

“Haru…” Nagisa whispered, following me with Rei right behind him.

“I have class in 20 minutes, and then I’m meeting up with Makoto after work tonight. I think I’ll skip though. I don't think I should.”

“Perfect!” Nagisa rejoiced, blocking me from fleeing their dorm. “You have to say something!” Nagisa’s own tear streaked face lit up with purpose.

“Oh, give it up already.” I sighed in annoyance. I was done talking about my pathetic life. I just want to move on.

“No, seriously! Tell Makoto how you feel about Kisumi! Tell him what Rei told you, or confess. Tell him anything!” Nagisa begged.

I looked at my friends pleading faces. They both looked desperate and eager to see me happy for once. Knowing they wouldn’t stop bothering me until I did as they wanted, I conceded defeat.

“Hey.” I called, looking at my friend’s faces light up.

“I’ll be okay. I won’t put his relationship in jeopardy, but I will talk to him. What else do I have to lose?” I gave a small smile, but my heart clenched as I thought about confronting him. 

I used my sleeves to dry the wet faces of my friends, only to be tackled into a group hug.

“Haru!” Nagisa cried,holding me as tightly as his small frame would allow. Rei engulfed both of us in a bigger hug, and whispered a ‘Thank you.’. 

With that, I grabbed my things, and headed out the door.

“Love you Haru-chan! Have a great day!” Nagisa waved good bye, smiling brilliantly at me as he always does. 

“Me too! See you soon!” Rei added, waving just as vigorously as Nagisa.

“Love you too.” I uttered, finally escaping their dorm. 

Shit, now I’m late for class. . . Eh, it was worth it.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

 

“Haruka, one more cake, and you’re done.” My boss smiled, walking over to my station.

“Already done.” I replied, washing my hands.

“Oh, good work today. See you Monday.” he smiled, walking out of the kitchen.

“Wow, you finished early today, Haru-chan!” Momo winked, knowing I was nervous as Hell. 

“You going out? Oh, you have a date? Is she cute?” he winked, noticing I was fixing my hair in the reflection of the microwave. I glared at him, earning a cheeky grin. 

“I’m going out to dinner with Makoto.” I replied, grabbing my bag from my locker.

“Oh, even better. You kids have fun!” he winked cooly, walking over to the fridge to store some frosting he just finished making.

I waved nonchalantly, walking out to the store, where right at the door stood the single thing that’s been on my mind all day. 

“Haru!” Makoto stood, waving and smiling at me. He radiated this calming aura, causing me to falter a small smile.

“Hi.” I greeted, walking him out of the store.

“Hey… Haru, are you okay.” Makoto stopped in the middle of the side walk, inspecting me as I stared at him. Literally, I will kill something the next time someone asks me that.

“Yeah, just a little tired is all.” I yet again lied, trying my best to hide any sort of non convincing features deep down. 

Apparently that was enough to turn his questioning eyes into a assured smile. “Did we ware you out last night?” he giggled, starting to walk again.

“No, just didn’t really get enough sleep.” I replied, trying my damnedest not to stare at him so blatantly.

“My, my! Well I’m glad to see you.” he smiled, nudging me playfully.

“Me too.” I nearly melted from the warmth he showed. 

Soon enough, we were at the restaurant, a little Chinese place we discovered a few years back that we frequented up until… 

“You know… it feels like years since I’ve gotten to talk to you like this.” Makoto smiled softly, settling into the booths leather seat.

My heart beat a bit faster, just hearing his voice is almost foreign to me from the lack of seeing him. 

“I know.” I agreed, feeling a blush form on my cheeks.

Soon, we ordered, and were having a pleasant conversation, until we hit a lull. And then, he started in.

“Haru, can I ask you something? I mean… I really wanted to talk to you about this, because I couldn’t think of anyone else who would be as real as you are with me on this kind of thing.” he began, asking permission with his eyes to continue.

“Of course.” 

“Well… It’s about Kisumi.” he uttered sheepishly. 

As he asked this, I chocked on the water I was trying my best to keep down.

“Oh my God, are you okay?” he cried, leaning forward and ready to perform CPR.

“Y-yeah, sorry I was just shocked. Go on.” I coughed out, trying to keep the attention on what he needed to say.

“Okay… Well lately, I haven’t felt like he likes me as much as I like him. He won’t stay over in my dorm anymore, and he never wants to hang out. I just don’t get him! And after the way he talked about you last night, I couldn’t believe it!” he sighed, defeated and ready to collapse where he sat. He looked tired and frustrated. Love can do that to you. Trust me, I know. 

“Oh…” I had no idea what to say… but then he said something interesting.

“What should I do? I want to be with him, but not if he acts like this. Especially… with you.” he said, looking at me directly.

I shifted in my seat, and racked through my brain to find the perfect response.

As soon as he gave me that look, the one where he just looks into your eyes, and it crushes your heart because you know how pure and hurt he is. I knew then exactly what to say.

“Makoto… To be honest I don’t like Kisumi. He doesn’t like me, clearly… But if you want to be with him, put aside your differences, and try your best. I know how much it means to you… So just do what you think is best. If you want to be with him, do it. If you don’t think he’s the person he really is… Break it off. It’s up to you.” I finished, feeling my world shift. 

Why can I never be selfish, and say what I want? Because I love this person, to the point I would sacrifice anything to see that smile. If I can’t be with him, I should be content with that, and suffer in silence. Because I’m so selfish, I want him to be as happy as he could possibly be.

As soon as I realized what I just said, I looked into his eyes.

“Haru… You are not okay.” Makoto stated, his eyebrows furrowing.

“You’re right.” I smiled back, eating the remains of my food.

The air was so thick, I could have gotten stuck where I sat. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. I wanted to run. I wanted to run as far away as I could, and never be found again. I’d be totally alright with that.

“Haru… I-“

“Makoto… Don’t.” I forced a smile on my face, and didn’t care if it was convincing or not.

“I want you to be happy. So please, tell me what you’re thinking.” I tried to use every cunning bone in my body to switch the attention off of me. Anything.

“I’m not sure.” he admitted, and then looked at me. 

“Why don’t you like Kisumi?” he asked out of no where, shoving the question down my throat. I should've seen that coming.

“Because, I don’t think he is a good person.” I told the truth, feeling fed up with dancing around the elephant that was so clearly in the room.

“What?” he gasped, giving me a… glare?

“Why?” 

“Because he’s fake. I don’t think he likes me, or you to be honest.” I answered, almost shoving my plate away from me in disgust. I feel like I’m gonna be sick.

“You… Do you even know him? Have you talked to him, Haru?” Makoto asked, defensively protecting his significant other.

“No, and I don’t care to.” I relented.

“How could you judge so quickly? You haven’t given him a chance.” he said quietly. 

“No, and I don’t want to. I just… Shit. You know what, I just want you to be happy. And don’t you dare say you want me to happy. It’s impossible.” I saw red as this conversation erupted more and more.

His face looked shocked, and then hurt. 

“How could you say that?”

“Because I’m selfish.” I replied almost instantly.

“How could you think this way? Why are you acting like this? Maybe… maybe this was a bad idea. You are obviously dealing with something you don’t want to talk to me about. I thought… I thought I was your best friend.” he said, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.

With that, I got up, and threw enough money down to cover our meal. 

“Where are you going?” he called, getting up to chase me.

“Anywhere but here. I can’t…” I felt like I was about to scream, so I ran.

“Haru! Wait, I’m-“ I was too far away by the time he got out. I could hardly make out what he was saying.

Before I knew it, it was dark. The moon was above me, and the night began.

This was a mistake. Everything about today was a mistake. I shouldn’t have gotten up. I should’ve drank more. I should’ve not said anything. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth. I should’ve suffered in silence, like I pledged to do from the very beginning. I wanted this friendship more than anything in the world.

I’m selfish. 

I don’t know where I am, or where I’m going, but I’m not going back. No way, I’d rather die. 

Tonight, I claimed a bench in a park somewhere downtown. I sat there all night, looking up at the stars.

A shooting star? That’s stupid.

If I could make a wish, what would it be.

“I wish… I wish I could be happy. For once in my life, I wish I could be happy.” I whispered to no one.

I laughed bitterly, and uttered, “Be careful what you wish for.”


	3. My Death Wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Omg Haru made my heart go doki doki ; n ;

Chapter 3

His green eyes looked almost black from how lackluster they appeared. It was as if the life had been sucked out of him, and his eyes were dead and withered. His normal joyful smile was replace with a deep set frown, causing his face to transform into someone I didn't know. 

“You make me sick.” he sighed, getting up from the booth and walking out.

“I’ll go to someone who actually loves me.” he smirked, an angry hateful tone leaving his beautiful mouth. 

I don't want this. I want him to look at me like he used to. I want to see him smile and laugh without a care in the world. If I ever caused him this much pain, or even brought him to hate me… I -

“Oi, Nanase. Oi!” a deep voice called, snapping me wide awake. I sat up, breathing ruggedly and gasping for air. My body stiffened, shooting pain up my spine and down my legs. I looked around me, noticing the big shadow cast over my body. A huge guy stood over me, like a giant looking down on a small village. 

“What the hell? Why are you just sleeping in the middle of nowhere?” he scoffed, a judging look on his face.

“Souske?” I chocked out, now realizing how dry my throat was. 

“Yeah, but really? What could have possibly driven the impossibly unmoving Haruka to sleeping on a park bench?” he asked sarcastically, a small chuckle of self-righteousness following his mocking statement.

All I could do was scowl.

“None of your business.” I grunted, finally sitting up on the bench. The air was crisp, and a shiver racked through my body. I should have just snuck back home last night, and locked the door. No one could make me open up, and I wouldn’t have had to talked to anyone… But if Makoto showed up… 

I guess I was pretty mean to him last night… But it’s the only way I could have kept my feelings hidden. If I didn’t get away after yelling like that, I am 100% positive I would have blurted out a confession. That’s the last thing I want to do. He’s in a relationship. I can’t just put my feelings into his mind, he’d probably avoid me. 

“Oi, can we go now please? I have to deliver you to an extremely angry red head.” he scoffed, pulling out his cell phone. 

Shit, Rin is probably furious. 

“You know, we were out almost all night looking for your dumb ass. Ah, Rin? Yeah, I found him. Huh? No, I got lost. I have no idea where we are… Yeah, he’s right here. He wants to talk to you.” he held out the phone to me.

“I don’t want to.” I whispered, turning away from the cell phone. 

“A loud yell came over the speaker, and Souske put it back to his ear.

“Fine, but you owe me.” he replied, closing his cell and just standing there.

“What?” I asked, awkwardly shifting.

“Sorry to do this, but I have orders from head quarters. Don’t be difficult, and I wont hurt you.” he answered simply, waiting for me to finally get up. 

Uggh… Do I really not have a choice? 

“And if I refuse?” I asked, giving him a sideways glare.

“I cant exactly use force, but I know he will run down here the instant I tell him.” he smirked almost playfully.

“But you said it yourself, you don’t know where we are.” I looked at him head on, but he was already walking away to ask someone directions.

“Okay okay, fine.” I muttered, feeling annoyed this early in the morning is not good for my heart. I feel like I’m gonna be sick.

“Good. Let’s go.” he said, walking ahead. 

He paused, and then turned around to look at me, a serious expression on his face.

“Where are we?” he asked.

Sighing, I walked ahead, and lead us to the nearest train station that would take us back to the campus.

“God, I’m thirsty.” I sighed, walking at a slow pace.

“Go get something then.” he replied, pointing to a shop in front of the station.

I felt around my sweater pocket, and felt nothing. That’s right, I threw all my money on the table. 

“I don’t have money.” I replied, as quiet as I could possibly mutter.

“I’ll treat you, I’m thirsty too anyway.” he replied, leading us over to the convenience store.

He bought us each a water, and a package of nigiri so we could eat on the train.

Soon enough, we were on the train, and on our way back to campus.

“So… why were you there?” he asked, leaning back against the seat.

“Makoto was seriously upset you know. You guys fight?” he asked, nonchalantly.

I winced as he said Makoto’s name so easily. 

“Yeah.” I replied, gripping my water to the point it would be obnoxiously loud if I let go. 

“About?” he tried to seem neutral, but there was something in his voice that made me think he really wanted to know.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I closed myself off, not wanting to remember that look on his face. The one I just dreamt of this morning was too much, but that look from last night…

“You know, we may have had our differences in the past, but you are an okay guy, I guess. I won’t judge you, but you don’t have to tell me.” he sighed, closing his eyes as if he were about to fall asleep.

After he said that, something in me really felt like I wanted to tell him. He had an unrequited love for Rin for years, just like me. He might know what I should do. 

“I told Makoto I didn’t like Kisumi.” I finally admitted, feeling a small blush assault my cheeks.

“Oh?” he laughed, sitting up to look at me.

“I don’t blame you. He’s always up to something.” he nodded, agreeing with me.

“You don’t like him either?” I seemed to feel a fraction better as he said that.

“Well yeah, but it was funny. He didn’t seem upset when he told us that.” he laughed.

“You knew?” I asked, sinking back into that hopeless state of mind.

“Yeah, well… Look I promised Rin I wouldn’t tell you so you’d come back with me, but Makoto was really messed up. But he just brushed over you saying that. He was really worried about you.” he winked cooly, trying to get me to calm down.

He said that? He was really worried? Oh my God… now I really wish I could have stayed on that bench. I really don’t want to see him… But now I’ll have to apologize… And explain myself. 

“Hey, don’t freak out, just tell him the truth.” he lightly punched my shoulder, an unusual grin on his face.

“But you don’t understand…” I started, but then closed my mouth. What could I possibly say to justify myself. Makoto already knows I don’t like Kisumi, but he also knows there are so many more reasons I ran away. God, I’m such an idiot, I should have just been calm and disguised myself more.

“How? You love Makoto, and Kisumi is a conniving bitch. Dude, just expose him.” he suggested, his normal demeanor taking over as he talked strategy.

“But I can’t do that.” I replied, feeling small against his confidence.

“Why the hell not?” he asked, fired up and ready to cut into their relationship.

“He’s in love. He has to be the one to see Kisumi for who he really is. But for now, he is in love. I can’t just break two people up. Especially when Makoto has no idea…” I tried to explain myself.

“But wouldn’t it be better that way? I mean, you’d be saving Makoto from heartbreak I think. Especially if you can pull the wool from over his eyes. He’ll see what an asshole Kisumi really is. Right?” he asked, justifying everything he has said thus far.

But it’s not that easy.

“I don't know.” I sighed, defeated. Souske makes a lot of sense, but I don’t know how the hell I could pull something like that off. 

It would probably require some digging and sabotage, but if I was caught by Makoto or Kisumi, I’d never live it down. 

Too risky. 

Soon enough, the train arrived to our stop. We both walked off, and made our way back to the campus.

All I could think about was seeing Makoto and how I would explain myself.

“Hey, I’m sorry I ran away, I had to go get some air.”

“I’m sorry your boyfriend is a proper con-artist, but I just want to be with you.”

“I love you.”

All of those things are horrible ideas. Which one could I live with the most?

We arrived inside the building, and made our way into the elevator, taking us to our dorm room floor.

“So… You’re not gonna like, run away are you?” Souske asked, finally breaking me from my thoughts.

“Huh?”

“Well. I mean, you ran away from Makoto, so if you decide you can’t face him, will you run again?” he asked, as serious as ever.

“Maybe.” I answered, refusing to look him in the eye. I am probably the biggest coward after all.

“Huh… I thought you were stronger than that.” he muttered, striking me to my core.

“Well, I’m a pretty good actor.” I replied bitterly, looking down at my now filthy shoes. I had run so far, and ended up ruining these new shoes. Shame.

The elevator dinged, and Souske lead me out as if I were a prisoner.

“Here. Knock.” he ordered, ready to catch me if I were to make a break for it.

Slowly, I drew my hand up to the door, and knocked.

Not even 20 seconds later, the door flew open, and a vicious beast stood at the door. Dark circles were under his eyes, and his mouth looked blood thirsty.

“Nanase.” he seethed, grabbing me by my shirt collar.

“Where the fuck did you go? I have been out since 3 this morning, looking for your dumb ass! Explain yourself.” Rin threatened, dragging me inside and nearly throwing me onto his couch.

I just sat in silence, looking down and trying to avoid his eyes. 

Guilt washed over me, and made me want to just die a million times over.

“Well? Answer me?” Rin yelled again, standing in front of me.

“Oi, Rin… Calm down.” Souske said putting a firm hold on Rin’s shoulder.

“Ehh? I don’t think so! He disappeared! I thought something horrible could have happened! He…” a small sob broke from Rin’s throat, finally reaching his boiling point.

“It’s okay… He just…”

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, feeling horrible for working him up so much. He was probably exhausted from looking for me, and a worried mess at that. I just disappeared, without a word. Who knows what I could’ve been capable of. 

And not only Rin, but Souske, and most likely Rei and Nagisa… Maybe even Makoto.

“I’m really sorry. I mean it, so please.” I felt tears of my own threaten to spill over. Getting up, I slowly walked over to Rin, and held him.

Rin finally broke, and he grabbed greedily at my sweater.

“I was so worried!” he blubbered into my shoulder. I could feel the hot tears soak my sweater. I just pat his head, trying to calm him down.

“It’s okay… I’m sorry.” I apologized again, and many more times afterward.

After he cooled down a bit, he started to question me, and I tried my best to explain it to him the way I told Souske.

Souske, just sat with his arm around Rin as we all talked about what I said and how Makoto reacted.

“Yeah, he came into our room, and was crying like a baby. He was like ‘Souske, we have to find him! I was so mean to him!’ and so I went and told Rin. And then Rin told Rei and Nagisa.” Souske explained, making me shrink as I was once again reminded how much I hurt Makoto. 

“Haru?” Rin asked, looking me dead in the eye.

“What are you gonna do?” he asked calmly, trying not to set me off.

“I don't know.” I replied quickly, not wanting to even think about this anymore. I just want to go home.

“But you have to do something. We need to get rid of Kisumi, and do it so he is exposed!” Rin said almost triumphantly. 

“I can’t.” I replied, starting to shut down at just the image of Kisumi and Makoto. Especially at my party, which seemed like ages ago, but was actually only 3 days ago. 

“But nothing will change if all you keep doing is running away! Stand up for yourself!” Rin nearly shouted, a new found fire burning holes through my head.

“I can’t.” I stated firmly, trying to find a way out.

“WHY NOT? Are you content just watching Kisumi take Makoto from you?” Rin huffed.

“HE WASN’T MINE IN THE FIRST PLACE!” I finally shouted back, ready to bolt.

“You have no idea how hard it is, every single day debating what I should do. Should I sacrifice my own happiness for him so I know he is happy with Kisumi, or do I sacrifice my friendship just so I can get rejected?! Don’t you people understand that there is no way I can be happy? I can’t win if it’s against Makoto… I can’t…” I can’t take this.

Suddenly, it became hard to breathe. My vision blurred, and my throat tightened, making me stop in my tracks.

“Haru?!” Rin got up and made his way to my side.

“Oh my god, he’s having a panic attack! Souske, call Nagisa and Rei. I’ll take him to his room.” Rin ordered, grabbing me into a bridal hold.

“Haru, shhh. It’s okay. Calm down. I’m sorry. Shhhh.” Rin tried to calm me down, but I couldn’t find it in myself to let this go. It’s true, isn’t it? After all the coaxing and trying to tell myself I can live like this, was all a lie. 

My throat felt like it was closing, and I was trying so desperately to breathe. 

Or maybe I deserve this. It’s begrudgingly my own fault for not telling him earlier, but there is no way I could have known he was like me.

“Hang on Haru… we’re almost to your room.” Rin wheezed, after running and carrying me, he must be exhausted. 

Hang on to what? Hope? What hope? My dreams? What dreams? 

“Oh my GOD, Haru-chan! Is he okay?” Two pairs of foot steps ran up to us, and my vision blurred again.

“He’s having a panic attack, can you open the door?” he asked, and soon we were in my dorm.

“Rei, move the scrapbook off the bed. I’m gonna lay him down.” Rin ordered. I could see Rei out of the corner of my eye, rushing in front of us to move the book. 

As Rin set me down, I felt my chest tighten again, and knew I had to do something to make them not worry. I pointed to my desk drawer, and made a motion to show I meant my inhaler. I used to get panic attacks all the time, but this one is pretty bad. I feel so stupid, trying to explain myself yet again, but getting proved wrong countless times. 

Just as I did that, another pair of footsteps could be heard.

My door slammed open, revealing Makoto and Kisumi. Makoto looked disheveled and exhausted, and Kisumi looked annoyed as he walked into my room.

“Haru? What happened to him?!” Makoto yelled, distress soaking his voice.

“He’s having a panic attack.” Rin said, making me feel like I was in some kind of hospital, discussing my status with another doctor.

“Where’s his inhaler? His desk right?” Makoto talked to himself, pushing past Rei and Nagisa over to my desk.

Rei held the scrapbook to his chest, and Nagisa buried his face in Rei’s shoulder.

Makoto grabbed the inhaler, and paused only to take off the lid and shake it.

“Haru, can you speak at all?” he asked, sitting next to me on the bed. He seemed hesitant to get any closer, but I answered honestly as tears escaped my eyes.

I shook my head no, and felt like I was gonna suffocate. My vision blurred again, and I couldn’t tell if I was conscious or not.

“Ok, Haru just breathe. Here, inhale on 1, 2 ,3. Good! Okay, again. 1,2,3. Perfect!” Makoto encouraged, putting an arm under my head to support me.

Christ, he’s really close to me…

After a few more minutes of this, I felt like I was calming down, but at the same time, I was stressing on the fact that Makoto is here. What am I gonna tell him? Is Kisumi gonna come in and just take him away, or defend himself against me, if Makoto had told him.

“One more time. 1, 2, 3. There.” Makoto finished, capping the inhaler again as I started to even out my breathing.

“Haru? Can you speak?” he asked, rubbing my back as he sat me upright. 

“Y-yeah.” I replied quietly, tears falling at their own discretion. 

Suddenly, there was a chill in the air as I looked over to Kisumi, who glared at me with no sign of relenting. 

I glared back, only to stop midway and realize all eyes were on me.

“Haru…” Makoto breathed, and then wrapped himself around me.

My heart stopped, and I couldn’t breathe yet again. He squeezed me so tightly, I thought I would die.

“Don’t scare people like that! It’s bad for my heart.” he cried, his arms shaking from holding me so tightly.

Unconsciously, I grabbed on too, afraid that this would be the last time I could. If this is the last time, I wish I really were dying, so at least my last memory was a good one. 

I silently wept, relief and anxiety mixing in a pool in the pit of my stomach. 

I love him. Oh God, I love him so much, I feel like I’m gonna explode. God, please… Let me…

“Guys, we should…” Nagisa uttered, dragging Rin and Rei out of the room while they just watched us with hopeful glances between one another, and eventually closing the door behind themselves. That just left Makoto, Kisumi, and I in the room. 

Shit. I must me a masochist… 

Do I have a death wish or what?


	4. He may have won the battle...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisumi is a dick... and I am a dick for taking forever... Sorry bout it.

Chapter 4

“What are we even doing here?” a snarky Kisumi sighed, plopping down in my desk chair next to the bed. I sat on my bed next to Makoto, a little awkwardly I might add, just glaring down at the floor boards.

I tried for two days to stay out of this exact situation, and where do I find myself all of a sudden? Why me? Can I never win? 

“We are here because Haru needs us, right Haru?” Makoto nearly shot back at Kisumi, agitation soaking his usually calm voice. I didn’t have the guts to look this man in the eyes and tell him even more lies.

What am I going to do? I can’t lie to him anymore, but I definitely can’t tell him what’s on my mind. He is here with his lover, and even if I hate Kisumi with every fiber of my being, there is no way I can be that cruel.

“Haru… please just look at me.” Makoto pleaded, nearly whispering. He leaned down closer to me, his breath lightly brushing crossed my forehead. My entire body shivered, and secretly begged for him to do it again. I love the feeling of his presence next to me, but in this situation it would be better if I were miles away.

Slowly, I brought my eyes to a compromising position. I’m not looking him in those intoxicating green eyes, but at his shirt which looked slightly disheveled. He did just get back from looking for me all night. I can’t even begin to imagine what his face really looks like at this point, I’ll just feel even more guilty. 

“Why are you acting this way? Did I do something to make you angry with me?” he asked, noticeably moving his body closer to mine. That only made me want to clam up right then and there.

“Just answer him, we don’t have all day. Besides, you know what you want to tell him.” Kisumi cut through the air like a butcher knife. His cold voice snapped me out of anything I was contemplating about saying and directed my gaze straight to him.

His nearly lavender eyes were icy and quizzical, ready to narrow and show his true colors at any minute. He probably knows more about myself than I do at this point. He is my enemy, and we are sitting on a battlefield, ready to claim the prize we so desire. I wish for Makoto’s heart, which he can use to his advantage. However, I’m at a loss because I have no idea what prize he’s gaining from this charade he’s been playing all these months. 

“Kisumi… Why are you so angry?” Makoto asked, a little off put by his boyfriends savage remark.

“Because, he is too gutless to say what he really feels, when it’s so obvious it’s nauseating.” he passively threw out, crossing his legs and trying to seem disinterested.

Something in me ignited, as I realized he already made the first move. He is picking a fight, and if this is my only chance to make Makoto see what a monster he is, than fine. I have the element of surprise for my attack. 

Bring it on.

“Actually, I have quite a bit to say, and I think I know exactly when to keep my mouth shut and be courteous, unlike some people.” I calmly drawled, lifting my entire presence in the room. I need to be strong now. If there ever was a time to be strong, it’s now.

Kisumi’s eyes snapped to my face, and slowly… a grin spread across his lips. He’s in the game for real now. 

“Oh? So tell me, Nanase, what exactly have you been so politely keeping to yourself?” he leaned forward, placing his chin on folded hands. His eyes nearly darkened to a shade I have never thought possible for a person. It’s as if he is a villain from an anime or something. 

With that provoking move, I knew I had to do one of the most gut-wrenching tasks of my entire life. I finally have been pushed into the position of facing my demons. 

Slowly, I positioned myself to face Makoto. As I looked up to see his face clearly, I felt myself physically stutter. His eyes looked so warn, and his face was scrunched into one of confusion and worry. In a way, his eyes looked weepy, and I wasn’t mentally prepared for that. 

Nonetheless, I am going to tell Makoto exactly what he wants to hear. No lies. No beating around the bush.

“Makoto… I know we started this conversation two days ago, but I didn’t really get to explain to you where I was coming from. I really do not like this person.” I started, pointing to Kisumi and not giving him the time of day.

“He is rude, manipulative, and I don’t think he really honestly likes you. I know he is your lover, and I know you love him dearly…” I started to trail off, but snapped right back into what I had to say. I’ve been waiting a long time to say this.

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt. When you tried to tell me I was wrong, I overreacted and I’m really sorry… but I needed you to hear my honest feelings.” I finished, taking a deep breath to try and calm my nerves. As I looked up at Makoto, my entire body went cold.

Tears fell from his eyes, and he sniffled and tried to cover his face with his hands. 

“M-Makoto…” I felt my heart drop, and everything seemed to slow down.

“Look what you’ve done! Makoto, sweet heart, it’s okay…” Kisumi got up from his seat, and went to comfort Makoto, when a large hand was put up from Kisumi.

“I’m… so relieved!” Makoto cried, looking up at the both of us.

“What?” Kisumi flatly asked, irritation cracking his ‘caring-boyfriend’ routine.

“I was so worried you were mad at something I had done, and weren’t gonna talk to me anymore! I’m so sorry I talked to you like that when we were at the restaurant, Haru! But I understand your feelings…” he cried, reaching out for my hand. I took it, squeezing it and holding it to my chest.

He finally brought his other hand away from his face, and graced me with his gorgeous smile. I am so happy I did this. Everything I’ve been through, or put myself through… It has all paid off for this moment.

“Excuse me?” Kisumi interrupted, placing his hands on his hips. “Are you just going to let Nanase talk so meanly about me when I’m standing right here?” Kisumi asked, trying to sound hurt but failing miserably. He sounded somewhat… defeated? Oh, how victory is so sweet.

“Kisumi… I know what Haru said sounds kind of harsh, but those are his honest feelings! Maybe you should let Haru get to know you better, and then there wouldn’t be such a misunderstanding.” he smiled at his boyfriend, trying to comfort him.

“But I… If it’ll make you happy… Listen, Haruka… why don’t we start over? How about you and I hang out and get to know each other better? I’ll make sure you like me much more afterwards.” he winked at me, trying to brush off everything that just happened.

I looked between him and Makoto, feeling my jaw almost drop at how fake this guy was being. But, Makoto looked so happy, squeezing my hand that I still held close to my heart. 

Are you fucking kidding me? I have to spend even more time with this… literal piece of shit? But… Makoto really looks so happy… 

“Fine.” I answered curtly, not happy in the slightest.

“Cool, I’ll contact you my schedule so we can plan around that. See you soon, I’m gonna be late for class.” he smiled sweetly, walking over to kiss Makoto on the lips.

“Bye bye, see you soon.” Makoto practically beamed, so happy that his boyfriend and best friend would attempt to become friendly.

“I’ll see you tonight. Love you.” he kissed Makoto again, and then left, but not before he slyly looked at me with a dirty look as soon as he knew Makoto wasn't looking. 

Son of a-

“I’m sorry about how Kisumi acted at first. He was really defensive because he thought you really didn’t like him.” Makoto awkwardly said after a minute of sitting silently. He slowly pulled his hand from mine, and my heart stopped. I didn’t realize I was still holding onto it… I wish he didn’t feel obligated to let go.

“He was right.” I bluntly threw out, feeling like a spoiled brat. Things still aren’t going my way… and of course I tasted the sweetest prize for a milli-second before it was swiped from my grasp. I lost. 

“I’m just so glad you are willing to take a chance on him.” he smiled, looking at me with those eyes… I’ll do anything for you… I hope you know that.

 “I guess.” I murmured, irritated I had to actually associate with my enemy.

“Oh Haru… You know you’ve grown so much, right?” he smiled, standing up from my bed.

“How so?” I asked, following suit.

“When we were little, you wouldn’t talk to anyone but me. But as you grew, slowly you opened yourself to more and more people. I was so happy for you… and I still am.” he smiled.

I stopped in my tracks, feeling a blush creep onto my face.

After a moment of thought, I replied, “ It’s all because of you.” 

“What? No, I might have pushed you, but you did all the hard work.” he smiled, walking to the front door.

My heart pounded so hard in my chest, my entire rib cage rattled. Suddenly, I felt nearly breathless as he turned around and just looked at me.

“I’m so happy I could talk to you like this again. I missed you, you know?” 

He is really going to end up killing me, huh?

“Makoto… I promise.”

“What?”

“I promise I will try harder… I missed you too.”

“Oh Haru!” he cried, running towards me and grabbing me into a very close bear hug. I could die right now and be completely satisfied with the life I led.

“Ok ok, I’ll let you breathe. But I’ll see you soon! Well go out to lunch soon, yeah?” he asked, letting me go and starting for the door again.

“Sure. See you soon… Good night.” I felt a smile break my lips for the first time in what seemed like forever.

“Good night.” he smiled one last time before leaving my room.

This day has been so long… As soon as his eyes left me, I felt like collapsing. Slowly, I walked over to my bedroom, and stopped down to my underwear. With that, I fell into bed, ready to sleep and get rest.

Tonight, it seems as if I have lost this battle. I have to ‘socialize’ with that swine… But I will win. He can’t fool me with romanticized words or strategic battle plans. I will expose him for who he really is, and I will come out on top. I’m through with giving up. I want this so much it hurts, and no wish in the world can fix what situation I’ve found myself in. 

He may have won this battle, but he will not win this war.


	5. But he will never win the war...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY ITS BEEN FOREVER!!! I had no idea where to go from the last chapter to I have literally rewrote this.... 8 TIMES. 8. Not 7. Not 2. 8. I AM SORRY I AM SO SHIT AT WRITING.

Chapter 5- But he Will Never Win the War . . .

The diner chosen for this get together was rather bland for Kisumi’s tastes. I’m sure if I asked him about it, he’s tell me this was the only place I could afford. The decor was unamusing with boring white walls and pictures of plants adorned in the middle of most of the walls. It felt more like a doctors office than an eatery. 

I wonder what Makoto is thinking having us in the same room together? I know he wants us to talk, but does he think this will fix anything? 

Kisumi sat across from me, having arrived 15 minutes later then I did. He walked in, carrying himself as he usually did when Makoto wasn't around. Arrogant and full of himself.

“So, you decided to show up after all, huh? I’m quite shocked to be honest.” he mused, holding a straw paper in between his fingers. 

Annoyance pulled at my lips as he continued to smugly smirk at me. From his face to that ridiculously obnoxious color of his hair, everything about him was grating. 

“It wasn’t for you.” I muttered, grabbing my own straw off of the cold surface of the table. 

He huffed a dry laugh in response, setting up another snarky comment to shoot back with.

“So, just because Makoto told you to do it, you would. That’s pretty pathetic.”

“And what’s your excuse?” I immediately shot back, feeling my self restraint weaken as I balled a fist under the table.

I swear, I won’t live to see 30 with this guy breathing down my neck. My stress levels are already flaring up, and just the mention of Makoto’s name coming from his lips aggravates me.

“Touché.” he laughed, even harder as he continued to process what I just said.

“I think I found your back bone Nanase, and it’s hilarious.” he wiped a tear from his eye as he calmed down. What a douche.

“Okay, so let’s talk about why we are really here.” he laughed.

“Because you’re a sniveling brat who is using an innocent person?” I asked, sighing as I realized he actually wanted to talk to me. 

“Close.” he smiled, his eyes void of any emotion.

“I’m a sniveling brat who has something you will never have.” he answered, a vicious tone to his voice.

Before I could even begin to think of something to say or hit him, either one would be fine with me, a waitress came up to ask for our orders.

She quickly took our orders, and fled to the kitchen, probably sensing the tension in the air fuming around us. 

“What do you want, Kisumi?” I asked, finally giving in to seek his true intentions. 

“I want to make you suffer.” he laughed half heartedly. 

“But why?” I retorted, feeling my anger flare at his coyness. 

“Isn’t it obvious? I can say with the upmost certainty that I hate you. Duh.” 

“But why? What did I do to you in order to make you hate me so much?”

He paused, ready to throw back another insult but stopping himself mid speech. 

“Everything about you. You don't deserve my empathy or kindness. You’re a joke.” 

With that, I had my last straw.

“I’m done.” I sighed, breaking out my wallet.

I dug through and grabbed a 10 dollar bill, placing it on the table.

“Ah, I see you are a one trick pony. Running away from a conversation again, huh?” he laughed.

Something in me just broke as he uttered those words.

I plopped back in my seat, and leaned in closer to him so only he can hear my words.

“Listen to me closely. I will do everything in my power to protect him. Nothing you can say or do to me will ever make me as angry as what you could do to Makoto. If you hurt him, or touch a single hair on his head, I promise you your days on this earth are numbered if a single thing goes wrong with him. Do you fucking understand me?” I whispered, anger and venom dripping from each word as I spoke.

He straightened up, his face slackening as I finished my speech.

“Fine.” he sighed, sweat beading on his forehead.

“What?” I asked, sitting back down in my seat.

“You can try to reach for him, and I will leave him. But just know it’ll be all your fault.” he smirked. 

“Oh, and why is that?”

“Because I’ll tell him you scared me off. He’ll be so angry and hurt that you told me you would ‘murder’ me as you so eloquently put it, that he will obviously hate you. What a shame.” he pouted mockingly. 

“Do you honestly think he will take your word over mine? He’s my best friend, and I love him a hell of a lot more than you, obviously. There is no way you will get away with anything.” I felt my heart race as he held this empty threat over my head. I know he’ll believe me. 

“I guess we’ll just have to see then, right?” he smiled wickedly, placing his own money on the table and slyly walking away. 

“See you soon.” he winked, practically strutting away.

Without a second of hesitation, I pulled my phone out and ran out of the establishment. I need to get to him first. That is all I can think of. I need to run to him and tell him how I feel, or it’s now or never. 

The phone rang once. Twice.

“Hello? Haru?” Makoto’s soft voice came from the other end of the telephone, blissfully unaware of the drama storm that was strutting his way. 

“Makoto, thank god. Listen, I am on my way right now, please let me in.” I spoke as I ran through crowds of people. I need to get there first. 

“Haru, is everything alright? Where’s Kisumi?” he asked, an obvious tension building on the other end of my phone.

“Makoto, I will explain everything to you, and I promise you I will protect you. Do you trust me?”

“What on ea-“

“Do you trust me?” I huffed into the receiver, running out of breath as I almost crashed into an unsuspecting business man. 

“Yes, of course! But I don’t- “ 

“Please trust me. I’m on my way. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

With that I hung up the phone. There is no way I will let this end badly. I need so badly for him to know how desperate I am to have him. I need him in my life, and I will do whatever I can to make this a reality. 

No more bullshitting and crying behind closed doors. 

I will make good on everyones expectations.

Rin, Nagisa, Rei… Even Souske. 

I’m going to confess to Makoto. 

XxXxXxXx

It read 7:09 on my phone as I bolted into the elevator of our dorms. I didn’t stop once to take a breath or rest. 

The urgency of everything tensed my shoulders up, and I rapidly tapped my foot as the elevator slowly rose to the floor I needed to be on. 

Finally, the elevator opened, and as soon as I could fit my body through the opening doors, I was off and running again.

As I ran, I dodged at least 3 people trying to walk through the halls. 

I didn't stop to apologize, I just ran.

I ran like my life depended on it, which is an understatement.

As I turned one last corner, I finally had the door of Makoto’s room in my sight.

I halted in front of his door, sweat pouring from my forehead and dripping off of my face.

“Makoto, open up!” I half yelled, eager and frustrated. 

I need to be there first. 

Suddenly, the door opened.

“Makoto, I-“ 

No.

Makoto opened the door, tears openly flowing down his tanned cheeks and hitting the carpet between us. His eyes were red and swollen, his hair messy and unkept. I felt my whole world crash before my eyes.

“Wh-what’s wrong?” I asked, treading on thin ice as he finally made eye contact with me.

“Why did he break up with me? What… What happened?” he cried, sniffling and shaking in place. 

This is why I ran. This is why I tried so hard to make it there first to prevent such heart ache. Not only for myself, but for my most precious person. And I failed. 

Not thinking, I walked closer, and wrapped my arms around his mid section. 

“I am so sorry.” I whispered, feeling tears of my own prick at my eyes.

With that, he held me close. He didn't squeeze me like he normally does, and he didn’t feel as warm. He felt cold and his grip was light like he were afraid I’d disappear like his so-called lover.

I dragged him into his room, and shut the door behind us. Slowly, I guided the crying giant to his sofa and gently pushed him down. He sobbed as I moved quietly about their apartment, clearing the counter to make him a cup of tea. As I started the kettle, I gave him a blanket and a roll of toilet paper to dry his tears. Soon, I was sat next to him, covering up with the same blanket and holding his hand tenderly in mine. 

‘This is how it should always be when he is sad.’ I thought to myself over and over again as I watched the love of my life break apart before my very eyes.

“Why did he do t-this to me?” he cried again, this time a little more determined for an answer.

“Makoto, please listen to me.” I said quietly, lacing my fingers with his and making sure he knew I was there for him.

“Everything I’m going to tell you is the absolute truth, and if he tries to come around and tell you it was because of me… He is lying.”

“But why would he do that? We were so happy together… I gave him…” he paused, a blush forming on his cheeks as he continued to cry. 

“Listen… I know he seemed to be sweet and caring… But it was a lie. That sounds so harsh when I say it out loud, but it is the truth. When I went to talk to him just now, he was determined to blame me for everything that went wrong, so I would be the villain. He told me. . .”

“What? What did he say?” Makoto cried, leaning in closer. His eyes were so green and sad, I couldn’t help but blush myself.

“He told me the reason he got together with you was to put me through hell.” I almost stumbled over my words as I realized how egotistical I sounded.

“What does my relationship have to do with you? Why would he say something like that?” he cried, leaning back against his sofa pillows. 

The air had gotten thick, and I felt all the tension in the room seep into me as I felt the pressure to tell him how I feel. 

“Because… I love you. I love you and he wanted to take you away from me.” I whispered. I was so inaudible, Makoto looked at me as if he were deaf and hearing for the first time.

“What did you say?” he whispered a little louder then I did.

“I love you. And that person will do anything to take what I love the most away from me. I’m sorry.”

There was a pregnant silence for a while before either one of us spoke, let alone looked at each other. 

“Haru…” he called out to me, making my head shoot up at an embarrassingly eager rate.

“Yes?” 

“I love you too.”


End file.
